I’m Still Here!

I realized it had been too long since I last blogged when I went onto WordPress and had to re-log in for the first time in at least a year. I will not share whether or not I actually remembered my password…

In case you didn’t notice, I haven’t blogged since March, after I had blogged once a week at the very least for about a year. I will BRIEFLY try to tell you why (Blogging  and ranting about my feelings about blogging would surely inspire someone to write another think piece on millennials, and we have enough of those) , although I’m not totally sure why I stopped!

It’s a combination of three things.

When I last posted in March, I was just beginning to realize that I was in over my head like I never had been before. I realized that getting an internship on top of a typical NYU course load was not smart (The internship was not for credit, and was unpaid. Kind of illegal. Oops). Midterms were in March, and it was BAD. I was getting no more than four hours of sleep a night, and writing drafts of essays at my internship. On top of that, I was trying to secure a summer internship, find an apartment to live all by myself (my two roommates were studying abroad) and get a real job that pays with actual dollars. Saying I was stressed is an understatement. I was getting sick more often than usual and broke down crying waiting for the train on more than one occasion. I know every person with a blog has a life outside of their blog (Unless you’re Chiara Ferragni or Emily Schuman), but I could not find time to blog. And then after midterms ended, I still had things to be stressed about. Even after my internship ended, I STILL had things to be stressed about (also, finals). I was always on the move and never at my computer with “nothing to do.” And I’ve been having trouble escaping that stressed, busy, “go, go, go” attitude.

The blogging world is starting to annoy me. At first I was inspired by posts like, “10 Things to Do Before You Go to Sleep So You Wake Up Happy” kinds of posts, but to be honest, it’s all kind of bullshit. Other than the blogs who invented those kinds of posts and have quality content and plenty of readers, no one is going to want to read shitty click-bait content. And in the current blogging landscape of bloggers constantly vying for sponsorships and paid content, that’s ALL it is. So when I look for inspiration to blog, I can’t find any inspiration that fits my blog. What even is my blog? It’s not necessarily fashion, or pop culture, or feminist, or even lifestyle. When I think of lifestyle blogging, I think of lots of reviews of overpriced chairs, and that’s clearly not my blog. It’s really hard to blog when you have nothing to look at for inspiration. You could say that I should be super innovative and be the blog I’m looking for, but then again, I don’t know what I’m looking for or what I want for my blog. And that brings me to my final reason for not blogging…

I have no fucking clue who I am. Literally no idea.

My last semester opened my eyes to a lot (I told you I was busy!), and it proved to me that I know nothing. I started to doubt if I can make it as a writer and a journalist and got my internship to see if I would enjoy something else (it was a fashion sales internship, which maybe I will write about at some point). To be honest, I didn’t! But I still don’t know where I see myself. I definitely want to be a writer, but is that realistic? Is that all I can do? What else CAN I do? What else do I like? It’s gotten to the point that I don’t know what truly makes me happy anymore and what I think will make me happy in the future.

Obviously, I am only 19. I get it. I don’t have to know. I remember telling my sister how confused I am and how weird that is to me, and she responded with something like, “I thought it was weird that you DID know what you wanted to do.” That doesn’t change the fact that I am slightly having a mental freakout and have no idea what my next steps are.

The good news is that I have very slightly calmed down since my semester ended. I took a class and wrote a paper that might have changed my life. I have a new internship now that makes me happy, AND I have an apartment, AND I have a job. I have much more time to breathe and think about who I  think I am and what I like, and I finally have a little bit more time to not care too much about the fact that I don’t know!  I was going to write about everything I’m up to in this post, but my brief explanation of why I’m not blogging totally took over. So I’ll leave you with a cliffhanger!

To conclude this very rant-y blog post, I just wanted to say that I’m still here! I don’t know what my blog is about and I have no idea what I’m doing here, but I am indeed still here. I have said this a million times, but this blog is mostly for me. If you read it, that’s awesome, but I’m not making any click-bait articles that will force you to come here. I’m going to write what I want to write when I want to write it. I’m not even going to put myself on a schedule or freak out if I didn’t do my “one post a week.” Who cares?! I’m not getting paid for this. I’m going to do what I want, and hope that along the way, I figure something out. Maybe I’ll even have created the blog I’ve been looking for.

Until then, I’ll just be here!

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